That one little thing brought me more joy yesterday than I can comprehend....I thought I had lost something and I was so very wrong...I know now I never will, again it was my own stubborn foolish pride that had hindered what friendship we had...he's one of lifes special people, one of lifes pure unadultered treasures - he's my cannonball...I hadnt realised how lost I was until I found him again

Because the Cleric has been nagging me..and NOT because he makes me feel better within a half a marc, or because he never fails to make me laugh even when I start in my most obstinate of moods, or that he has his own distinct gibberish language that I think only happens when Im around... or that he can decipher mine and even when he cant he still manages to just fumble through, or that if I ask him to stand on his head he just does it...no questions asked and irrelevant of his own personal safety, or that for marcs upon marcs I can sit with him and laugh until I cry.....but Purely because he keeps demanding to know why he's not in here everyday...

So just for you Cleric in fluent Celestian.....you are still completely useless with punchlines, you'd look awful pretty in that dress and your headstands leave ALOT to be desired...but your an absolute diamond and I thank you for yet again dealing with a petulant, obstinate, miserable enchantress until she smiled..



How many times will I be left speechless....this one was more than speechless...it was dazed, I am still dazed, I have walked around all day and I am still dumbfounded..and he wonders about my fascination with words, how can he expect me not to when one so profound..I never even knew there was a single word to encompass something like it.....I learn something new everyday

He made me think about a few things..see them from a different perspective, and told me to stop pitying myself ...it hadnt hit me until that point that I was...and now its so clear

Each day seems to be filled with such a tumultuous onslaught of so many varied feelings and thoughts..each person I speak to seems to add something new.. to turn and twist my mood..in what seems like such a violent manner...one moment I can feel contented and happy...and then next I can be thrown ito confusion and then indifference, only to be pulled back to laughing again by another experience......


Some days you just brighten my soul, Cel

That stuck with me today

Words...I am back to words

I cannot stop my thoughts spiralling..


Why is it that some people have the ability to spin reality with the utterance of a few mere words?..How can one sentence be so nonchalant for one person but when heard by another be the such a mind wrenching enigma...were they careless?

How many different ways can one sentence be taken


Why must I question everything insessantly....and never provide an answer

There are some people who can leave me stunned with their words....stop me dead in my tracks and leave me reeling for days

What did it mean

Okay I am starting to look like a walking rainbow ...Ineed to unpick all these patches and and find some other way...perhaps a stripe...no initials??

While there were still so few it didnt seem a problem but I am running out of room on my cloak ..I am not sure how I got so many sponsees recently..

I want them to be there..I am proud of each one ....even though Dorian left ..she was still a great enchantress...and Talon..we went through much ..I hold out hope he'll return some day, he owes me an ale...Tarquin also gone, I understand his reasons... I miss them all dearly

maybe Im not such a great sponsor....all my sponsees seem to have disappeared

Kitty, Jaden and tomorrow Cogruz...soon enough Taiga

Its a lifetime thing..sponosring is not just about taking someone to the temple and sending them on their way ...I see so many adventurers...barely passed initiate and wandering around blindly in their professions...their sponsors having left them to their own devices the minute after leaving the temple

The amount of times I have explained where and how to decode a crystal..or something as simple as how to appraise someone...it's basic, and sponsees should feel they can ask their sponsor anything at all..it's a commitment

I want to help my sponsees for as long as they are willing to allow..with whatever they need, be it advice, aid in training or something as small as sharing an ale...it's a responsibility I undertake when I agree to do it...

Perhaps I work differently from others...but I want these people as my friends...and as such I do anything witin my power to aid them...they will probably surpass me in level well before I realise...and I will encourage every step of their progress..they do me an honour in asking me ....I should repay that with at least my continued interest in their lives

It occured to me as we spoke, akin to an epiphany, as I said the words to him, only then did it truly become clear to me

Why do I write this - what purpose does it serve?..Perhaps yes, it allows me to recall events, and perhaps some feelings, and allows me to quietly pay respect to those people I hold closest...and yet...it is not a release..it is not what I thought it would be, hoped it would be

Even here, where I am free to express myself, in what is meant to be the outward expression of the inner chambers of my mind...where in theory if not reality, I am afforded the freedom to truly be whole....I am not. I am guarded even within my own conscious - from my self perhaps..for the truth, every truth..when put into one...is not something I have the capacity to deal with...

Am I ever entirely open? Is anyone? Is there anyone who would not judge me for it?...No..for I judge myself

I think I described it as - lying to myself...perhaps this was not the wording I wished to use..equivocation, I do not lie..I just do not tell whole truths, or I wrap things in what appears to be the most plain of answers, when in reality I have said nothing at all..these pages are supposed to be my sanctum, not yet another thing I hide myself from

It seems sometimes as if my whole life is lived in cypher..some here, a little there, some for this person, some for that. It is not that I am unable to present the truth, speak from the heart...I do so..often, I am just weary of hiding things within others. Even as I write there are thoughts that I know I should put here...things racing through my mind, tugging and pulling at me...but I guard them, even though to utter them would be to release...they are still not on paper



I have been fooling myself to think I had removed and conquered these barriers. all I have accomplished it displacing them, only for them to find deeper purchse in a seperate part of my soul.

As a side note....looking through that

The answer was indeed a very resounding yes....

I think my whole being just let out a very long and very audible sigh

Confusion - perplexity, bewilderment, lack of clearness or distinctness


What is the matter with me..am I devoid of some integral compontent? I fear I must be..I fear I must be lacking several integral components....the ones that make you emotionally competant for a start...I dont think Haggie sells replacements, and until I can find out how and why I am lacking so, then I shall remain unable to diagnose, and subsequently....patch?..the problem areas

Why do I never see the blindingly obvious mistake until I am already well into making it...I wonder what part I am lacking in that respect..and on that note am I currently ..even as I write..making another of these mistakes? The answer is probably a resounding yes...and yet, if the outcome is already preordained....why stop? Why temper it? At least I will have accomplished consitency, if nothing else...

Perhaps I need to look at this from a differnt perspective...I am not lacking in anything...I just have an inate talent for screwing up...now I'm onto something...I have a list of available, and in most cases, utterly useless talents.... perhaps I should add - the ability to open ones mouth and let the most foolsh idiocy steam forth until I am so far passed the point of no return it's no longer even laughable....wait...I'm doing it right now!...now thats 'talented'

Rambling...thats a new talent.....in the course of sitting and writing I have managed to gain myself three new talents...thats got to be a good hard days work? Self congratualtion..theres another...finding talents from almost anything..thats 5!!


I have just had a revelation...the confusion comes from entirely within myself...when I allow myself to 'think' ...look what happens...look at the result...I started out with a point...I am almost sure of it! And yet, I now have no idea what it was....how did that happen??? By way of a long and convoluted...explanation? No wait, you can only call it an explaination if something was in some way explained..It would be an affront to all sensible people to call it any kind of logic...and I am unsure there was any plausible thought process involved at all....

So to recap, just for my own clarification......by way of a long and convoluted..um...screw up? I have reached the conclusion of...confusion.........................................

Theres something Very Very wrong with that...and now I am afraid to allow myself the freedom to think it through...

I must have appeared ..poor....as I wandered about my business ...the visor I will pay for without a shadow of a doubt..it's just how...and Amzer ...when I get my hands on that man I will ....probably thank him profusely and grin at him, but throttle sounds better

I have to thank them ..these people that look after me ..with no question of return or reward...just because they are purely good people, they restore my faith in humanity, it's worth more than any treasure or gift I can comprehend

I am so very blessed to be granted days filled with extrodinary people

When we look upon the line
And see it grow with passing time
When knowledge gained is but a snare
To tempt the soul beyond repair
The line transorms into the wall
The pipers toll has come to call
The cost is high, the souls release
To let it fly, to find it's peace
And to the wall, is left just one
To curl around and soon become
The fortress built to hide the sun
The soul will fly, the quest begun

I have come to the conclusion words are the currency of the soul.....they can tear a person to shreds, elevate them beyond measure, send them to the depths of despair, cast the smallest spark of hope where before there was only darkness. they can be profound and full of hidden significance, or they can be face value and open......

Words should be chosen far more carefully....they are a platform from which the most convoluted of situations can flow...


And it continues, self perpetuating madness....when will I have a normal day, or it this normal...is everyones life filled with the strangest of situations..a continual turmoil of emotions, events, craziness...I do not know...all I know is never a dull day....be it good or bad..it's never a dull, mundane day

I've tried so many times the past few days to write something..I've started, stopped, ripped the page from this book and thrown it back to the depths of my mind...but I need to release some things

Sometimes. when I make decisions, I do not think the sentient part of my being is awake, ....wait,...do I even make decisions...or am I just dragged along in the current of ..I do not know..but often I am left reeling in amazement, wondering how I reached this end, where did I come from , how did I get here

It seems that Cleric will forever be a part of my life....I have honoured him now..he seems to always be a part of my best days...I am starting to think he stalks me, waits until I am having what potentially looks to be a good day and jumps in to take the credit...he just likes seeing his name in written form, with words of praise to accompany it.....I should stop, in fear of his already inflated ego bursting and the eventuality that I shall never get him down from his arrogance....but any time spent with him is a true treasure...mutifaceted

As I sit here trying to make sense of the past week, I am having such inordinate difficulty expressing the things I wish to, I can write for hours about everyone, everyone except the warrior..the person I wish to express most to and I am confounded...hindered somehow, I wish I understood why


The warriors words are the ones I wish to hear the most. I have given him my life....me....with dodgy pete as my witness and that darn Cleric AGAIN.....an experience I shall relive perpetually in my mind until the last breath escapes me..

I'm astounded, just awed, when I think back to the first time I was an initiate, completely new, fresh, untainted by anything, no politics, no stories or history, no opinions of anyone, no opinions of me...everyday was exhillerating, everyday a new experience. I strived for it, was always eager, I trained everyday, avidly...I always had a goal, something to push for...

Innocence and trust....no inhibitions, nothing holding me back, no demons, no issues....just pure and thriving thirst for knowledge, and advancement....

The people I met...of the close ones, only one remains so..and that will not be forever..cannot be...when the future comes there will be no more flowers, no more line...

Will...I miss Will...He is a good man, I miss the ease we had when we talked..we dont have that now, and I should not expect it, there is no return to it..

Talon..I remember him, level 7 I think...I must have been only level 10 myself..not yet a profession..innocent, both of us ...him so stubborn, so unwilling, and me insistant, happy, always smiling, genuinely smiling, and ready to help...just a friendship..unfettered by anything more...just a pure and wonderful friendship...I dont see him anymore

Shu...he was the first man to sweep me off my feet, before I became so confused, before brakkus, I remember I was so shy, still me but tempered, reserved...time is supposed to temper you...innocence tempered me...the loss of it just made me guarded and frightened

Vargtimma....he had slipped my mind completely until moments ago...I have nothing but fond memories of him, we had fun he and I, he was a good friend....but he slipped away...bit by bit..slowly, until I never saw him anymore..he left Valorn I think...just gone

Storrm...he was excellent fun, it's suprising what you can communicate even when faced with a vow of silence....Gods I really do miss him...and I was maybe level 13 meeting him...I remember him often at Milltown LM, always blessing me, he had such a strange party trick...he was a delight..and sadly missed..so very sadly missed

all thses people...all these friendships..gone, lost to one thing or another


As I sit here...writing all this, feeling utterly miserable, and wallowing in my own apathy.....I am poigniantly remimded by a dear friend of mine.....how very very lucky I am, to still be able to forge new friendships...and how they lift my spirits in seconds.

Tibadeaux....he saw I was upset, told me a tale and I was laughing until I cried within moments...

Amzer...enigmatic, ambiguous, to the point of pure frustration..but on occasion, on rare occasion..so very blunt it catches my breath at the swiftness of the change..completely unfathomable and a joy to converse with...continually on my toes and engaging enough that I often forget my pirate ale is even there, never a dull moment.....another I am blessed to have ever encountered

Balin..never a moment when my smile is not his priority..even when he is throwing mugs and fumbling his words....when he is happy it just shines from him, like nothing I've ever seen....I only wish he could have a little more faith in himself, if he'd only let them..everyone would see what I see

Ushiba....naive, trusting, always there, always willing to share his company..he's such a dear friend..the gift...it was beautiful, I wish I could take away his turmoil in return

Shorna the most fun one person can have all wrapped up in a little sweetroll fairy..a diamond..an absolute diamond..the kind of person I want in my life for the rest of my days..if she will grant me it

Gareth ..I fear singing his praises anymore, for it will make him insufferable, but another one of those people who I always want to see smiling..and will do anything in my power to make it happen..up to and including utter humiliation in a pink dress

Azeal.. the one person who..when everything got tough , and there was nothing left but pain to be had..the one person who was still there, he kept me sane whilst driving me mad..to him I owe more than I will ever have to give, he kept me from the craziness and sheltered me until I was whole enough to try again...I never truly thanked him for it, and the moment has passed that I can do so

The missed people...Talon, the gentleman, always the gentleman..it breaks my heart that I do not see him anymore, Taladorn..I know he will return, I miss him, like a gaping maw in my personality...but he'll be back, I have faith

And then Tusonee...
any words I write...they will not be enough, they will not do it justice

For most of my life, my time, I am a fool, be it subtly or blatantly, the outcome is the same...he is quite possibly the one thing I have done right, even if I screw up so adeptly, so often..it's a pleasure just to love him


Every single one of these people shapes and changes me for the better and I hope and pray beyond everything that they always will..if I could spend the rest of my days doing nothing but bringing all of them even the smallest amount of happiness it will all have been a worthwhile endeavour....

If the measure of a person is the measure of the people they know and love then I am a saint, these people are angels, pure and simple, warts an all, bad moods, tantrums, pouts, arguements, mug throwing, hula dancing, crop weilding, cannon riding, giggling, cantankerous, stubborn, beautiful, life enhancing angels

Gods I had almost forgotten how much I love that woman...a few marcs with Gareth and she in the inn was all it took to set me happy for the day....even if I did wear that Vile dress...and she accused me of stealing her crop
It was my crop...I was given it......but aside from that all for a good cause...and by the end of it he was laughing...result and not a hula skirt in sight

Just that awful, itchy, infernal, pink thing that somebody deigned to call a garment...

He'll pay for that..at some point ..and this time it wont involve boots, but something far more sinister...pidgeon indeed!!!

Ethucan....I was like an unrestrained child...I couldnt contain my excitement for the briefest of moments. Farming for it seemed an eternity, but I never could keep plat in my pocket...I must have worked up hundreds and spent it all before time


It seemed so quiet...I think I dragged Gareth around behind me for most of it....I was, in hindsight, perhaps a little hasty..I was so eager to just see things, to just take in a little culture..something new, different...I spent out within moments, I have a pack full of things for everyone...Gareth, I wish I had more to honour him with, he's...he brings back the child in me, gives me time to just be ..foolish...in those few marcs I had so much innocent fun. Running around blindly, staring in through windows, my face pressed againt the panes, my mouth agape and my eyes straining to take in every detail....It was perfect and when I ran out of plat he gave me another 100 ..absolute sweetheart


In the end, I have Tus to thank for it all...he gave me the crystals, and inadvertnlty the spending money to go...after I bought the new armour..there was much left out of what he had given me...I will repay him....perhaps double if I can manage it without him being any the wiser...which will be some feat..considering he's a warrior he actually posesses a rather high level of intelligence....when he tries...

I am lucky..blessed...to have such people in my life..